Confronting The Hard With The Soft
Why do certain decisions unveil a natural instinct of avoidance in all of us so that an originally simple leap over a slightly forming crack transforms instead into a burden so large that even if we wanted to face it, viewing it in it’s entirety would be an impossible task? Why is this?
Why do we allow ourselves to feel so darn overwhelmed?
I’ve been constructing lengthy & meticulous blog posts in my head for so long now that sometimes it feels like I’m being tormented by the words of a book that will never see anything other than the walls of my own thoughts. Yet every time I sit down to pour the words out of this frustratingly overflowing mind, I’m just horrifyingly overwhelmed with where to begin. I want every sentence to be perfectly constructed. I want it to truly embody the reality of every unexpected moment that cropped up in the months leading up to the final moon of 2016 shining above. I want people, you beautiful people, to read it and just get me. What does that even mean? Why do we always have this incessant need to be understood? I would put it down to being because it is the simplest and most calming remedy for that dreaded and tormenting feeling of alone-ness. I want to scream my story so loud that every single detail can finally claim it’s freedom, but in the exact same breath I just want to say no more words and forget it all.
I’m very aware that the only true weight of the task at hand is showing heavily in the frown lines creasing my forehead, which I fear makes me look slightly terrifying to my fellow café-laptop-dwelling strangers surrounding me in this beautifully crafted Brighton coffee shop who I hope, for their sakes, aren’t attempting to navigate their own unclimbable mountains.
When speaking to a friend the other day who is similarly dealing with a sky-scraping wall to vault over, I heard myself give the very advice that I know in my heart is the truth – and as it is with most advice, was very easy to dish out but maybe not so easy to live by. The advice was that you move forward simply by getting up each morning and living your life – a concept that seems so laughably basic, yet speaks a genuinely honest truth far louder than any inspirational quote. This simple belief is the very core from which A Life To Live grew it’s first branches, and despite my drastic change in circumstances, remains the solid foundation for whatever direction life might begin to move in.
I have always dealt with change particularly well – you know, in the sense that I focus heavily on the positives and energetically move forward as quickly as possible. However, is this really ever dealing with the change or just closing your heart off to the entire situation? I don’t really know the answer to this one just yet, as with most uncertain chapters we can only truly reflect when we have the benefit of perspective. Even so, the truth is that my 2016 ended with redundancy and the separation of a 6-year relationship, thus causing me to leave Cornwall and suddenly be without a permanent address. It’s a lot to absorb all in one go, right? At this point, it will be worth noting that I will be eternally grateful that a beautifully woven net, that I had perhaps previously not even been fully aware of, formed by the linking arms and non-judgemental hearts of my closest friends was there to catch me and I’ve found myself beginning 2017 soaking up the infectiously generous and accepting vibe of Brighton.
So why am I revealing these little details about my current story, in which everything has suddenly gone a little bit, unexpectedly so very wrong? Because, my beautiful sweethearts, I am still here. Whilst I may be currently located in the midst of a ‘feel-them-feels’ battle, with an emotional range swerving dramatically from giddily excited to angrily heart-broken and anything in between, I am still living my ferociously beautiful life.
Ultimately, I just want you to know in this moment that I understand you – I understand you are very much a living person with a beating heart that is continuously dealing with recurring daily and long-term obstacles that sometimes truly test you to your absolute core. I understand that you want to be loved, but maybe need to learn to love yourself just that tiny bit more. I understand that sometimes you just really have absolutely no idea what you’re doing and can’t even fathom where to start. I understand that sometimes when you feel like you’re trying your hardest, it still just doesn’t seem to be enough. But what I want you to understand is that no matter how difficult it is to fully take in the full panoramic view of your burden, you just have to keep living your life and know that there is support somewhere throughout that first clamber that is so unbelievably far reaching and non-judgemental that I know, you are going to be okay.