End Your Week On A High
Sorry for my quiet couple of weeks. If I’m totally honest, I’ve been having a bit of a tough time. It’s pretty hard to write when you’re having a tough time I find, and can be pretty hard to do anything in fact. Yeah, sure I’ve been feeling positive - I am a genuinely positive, optimistic character - but there’s just this niggling thing that I can’t quite put my finger on. The kind of niggling thing that could have easily been rung out with a little bit of TLC, mindfulness and self-awareness. The crazy thing about people is that we are so compassionately able to give advice, but so completely unequipped to listen to ourselves.
I haven’t been getting up early. I haven’t been treating myself with care (cereal for dinner, too many beers etc.) I haven’t been socialising as much as I should. I haven’t been exercising that much. I’ve started not sleeping, a period of insomnia it feels like, which is affecting my day-to-day mood. I’m quite a practical person most of the time and tried to tackle last night’s episode with reading myself to sleep. However, I would suggest that Harper Lee’s Go Set a Watchmen is a bit of a strange read when you are deliriously awake but internally desperate for a tiny bit of sleep, as after 3 hours I had to accept that this wasn’t proving much help.
It’s been a massive upheaval this year. Not even an unexpected upheaval but a completely planned one. For those that don’t know, I used to own a pretty successful and busy café in Falmouth for three years, the reason I moved to Cornwall in fact. However, I felt it had come to completely define who I was and that perhaps I just wasn’t that person any more. I don’t know if that makes sense? It’s like breaking up with someone after accepting that you’ve just grown in separate directions and having to remember how to stand alone. The café had become an institution for coffee and good vibes, yet the day-to-day running was just hectic and busy – which I am always truly honoured to be a part of creating. However, I’m not a businesswoman and it felt that the café belonged more to the community than it did to anyone else and the only genuinely right thing to do would be to find another person to take it to that next level. Anyway, I’m digressing here. Basically, I knew that being stripped bare of the identity I had created and which defined my daily movements would be a little bit odd. I guess that is an understatement to how these events can make you feel when you reflect from the other side.
When you try and start again without the support of your defining identity pillar, you have a bloody tough identity-crisis kind of time.
So after spending yesterday afternoon glumly flicking through social media whilst the sun shone outside and spending the night clamping my eyes shut in the hope for some sort of rest, I dragged my sorry butt to work this morning walking past all of those early-birds already out and jogging through the glorious Newquay morning sun. To say I was jealous is an understatement, mainly because I’m normally the early-bird sipping on coffee and enjoying the peace of the early hours. Instead, all that I felt this morning was that I resembled a tiny little shadow of a person that I once held myself to be. That sounds pretty dark, but after 4 hours sleep I think I could have been feeling a lot worse.
The first hour at work was tough, but luckily coffee was invented for moments like this. I’m normally a coffee-appreciator rather than a coffee-is-necessary kind of gal, but it definitely improved my morning, which was already looking not-so-bad with the sun showing its pretty little face through the windows.
I promised myself there and then, that when I finished work I was going to listen to my own advice and stop feeling sorry for myself and be my own inspiration.
I strongly believe that when you are feeling crap you need to exercise, even though it is literally the last thing in the entire world that you want to do – especially when you realise there’s a new episode of New Girl on 4oD. I’m not talking about going and smashing in an intense gym circuit (unless that is what floats your boat, of course), but rather the kind of exercise that gets you outside and seeing a new perspective.
It’s a weird sensation and realisation that sometimes you need to passionately strive to do the things that you want to do – that it is important to do the things that make you happy. Sure I go to yoga classes and surf sometimes, but I was desperately craving something more.
Anyway, I got home from work, blast-cleaned my flat and dug out my trainers. I used to run a lot, but for some reason lost touch and never really got back into it, so I wasn’t holding out too much hope in terms of distance for this afternoons adventure. However, as soon as my feet started hitting the ground my mind just exploded with all of these glorious thoughts that have been hiding from me. I don’t know why I have been putting it off for so long because even my heart can’t stop singing. Today’s run struck something deep within me. I don’t know if it was the wild butterflies spurring me on or the nettle stings still throbbing slightly around my ankles but something has changed.
Not only did I get that thing in my chest pumping harder than it has in a while, but my mind became clear and inspired. The fog lifted. I don’t know if it’s temporary, but that is okay. You have to start working with your heart and believing in yourself because heck, no one else is going to. Use that heart to set your intentions and never let anyone else try and dictate to you what those are. Believe in yourself. They are your intentions and you should stand by them.
Other little realisations from today’s run:
• I love to inspire people and to be inspired.
• I love smiling wildly at people in the street and seeing how they respond.
• I love moving and being grateful for the body and life I was gifted with and treasure.
• I love living in Newquay because it’s hands-down one of the most beautiful places in the world.
• I love the way that when the sun shines people from all walks of life travel far and wide to stand in awe of and appreciate the beauty that we who are lucky enough to live here get to witness all year round.
• I really want to go paddle-boarding some time really soon.
So that’s how I’m feeling today. This post doesn’t necessarily have any particular point, but hey, sometimes life can feel a little bit like that. No matter how crap your week is feeling, it is up to you to turn that feeling around. Most importantly, ending a week on a high feels insanely great. Is there anything you can do this evening to be a little bit kinder to yourself?
For those that want to know, I was aiming to run 5KM and ran 6.4KM and it’s taken a full hour for my face to lose its florescent red glow.
Happy Sunday vibes from beautiful Newquay to anyone who happens to stumble across this and just remember to smile. I hope that you find the strength to not only back but to love yourself xxx